


What we could have had if my fear wasn't paralyzing.

by NintendoSatoRi



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Kawanishi Taichi, Mentioned Shirabu Kenjirou, Mentioned Yamagata Hayato - Freeform, Minor Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Other, Out of Character, Pining Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, Semi Eita Swears, Unrequited Love, Ushijima Wakatoshi-centric, Verbal Abuse, mentioned jin soekawa, minor fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: Ushijima is strong, fierce, and a powerful leader that can cause fear in the opponents he faces.But all he actually is is a puppet.Controlled by fear, controlled by the need to not disappoint.Because he's scared.
Relationships: Oohira Reon & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Semi Eita & Tendou Satori, Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995355
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	What we could have had if my fear wasn't paralyzing.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to the end of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020!  
> So, man, I can't believe it's the end of it already hah. Time does fly when you're having fun, no? As late as my entries were, anyway-
> 
> I wanted to make something clear. This is, much like many of my other fics,  
> very far off of the actual characterization.  
> I wrote a lot of this when I had been feeling like absolute shit, for lack of better terms.
> 
> A lot of Ushijima's interactions with people, especially the 'villain' of this story are based on my personal interactions with the same person, just changing the context of it to fit his situation. After all, the things that were said to me didn't fit Ushijima.  
> But, regardless of that, I still mirrored a lot of it from my own life so I hope you can still enjoy it.
> 
> Ah, and this is an old note of mine but apparently, this was inspired by the song ken&barbie by Kate Gill and I also wrote down that Ushijima has Atelophobia, which is the fear of not being good enough.
> 
> I apologize if any of the trigger warnings are wrong, it's what I think suits best because I myself sometimes aren't fully sure what they are when I have them.
> 
> Trigger warnings for this fic include:  
> \- Homophobia (a lot of it, please proceed with caution)  
> \- Internalized Homophobia  
> \- Violence  
> \- Child abuse + verbal abuse (? It's a lot of insults thrown)  
> \- Manipulation  
> \- Vomiting (not mentioned often)  
> \- Mention of suicide, encouragement of it (mentioned once)  
> \- Panic attacks (not fully sure if that is the correct term)  
> \- Something akin to trauma  
> \- Minor mention of blood  
> \- Self-doubt (in some aspects)
> 
> If there are any more trigger warnings that I may have missed, please tell me so I can add them.
> 
> And so, I welcome you to the end of Haikyuu Angst Week 2020.  
> Thank you creators for making this possible.
> 
> Ushiten:  
> Day 7, Tier 3 + bonus tier 2: Free day + Sacrifice (implied)

Ushijima's face stayed stoic and monotone as he listened to his mother lecture him.  
"You are going to be the heritage of this family. Make sure our family name stays proud. That means you need to find a beautiful girl to marry, okay?"

"Yes, mother." Her piercing gaze couldn't seem to break through his shell, thankfully.  
Not anymore.

Ushijima left to his room, the cold winters wind causing him to shiver. The sliding door behind him shut and the first thing he did was drop to the ground, staring at it and willing the tears away.  
He wasn't going to be weak.

This is why he hated visiting his family during any break.  
He was glad when he got to leave their home, have some freedom.  
Or at least something he hoped to be freedom though he doubted he would ever truly be free from the ice-cold grip of his mother, her words piercing him over and over again.

Ushijima shivered at the thought of his childhood, once his father had left him.

_Little Ushijima had just come home from school, face holding a tinge of excitement as he announced his return. The shoes were neatly placed in his corner of the genkan, washing up before joining his mother in the kitchen to help out._

_"How was school Wakatoshi?" His mother's voice came from high above him, making him look up at her._

_"It went good!" He couldn't help the small smile that came after, bringing the plates of food to the tatami table right after._

_"How so? You seem much happier than usual." She said, voice suspicious and sharp as she sat down beside him after everything was set up._

_"Um... Because it was fun. I made a friend." The young boy responded, picking up his chopsticks after she had and thanking her for the food, missing the way her hand clenched at the sight of him using his left hand._

_"Really? Who's that new friend?"_

_Their give and take was rather simplistic and short, Ushijima more focused on eating and his mother staring at his hand for longer than usual until the thing he said next nearly made her drop her chopsticks, the already tense air becoming heavy.  
"... Say that again for me Wakatoshi?"_

_"Oh, I said I think I like boys-" His eyes widened as his wrist was captured in her iron hold, face scrunched up in pain as he involuntarily let go of his chopsticks, the two sticks clattering against the tabletop before evidently rolling down to the tatami floor._

_"Wel you're thinking wrong. You are my only son and you are going to inherit this, our family name and honor. You are not allowed to break that or our pride, understood?" Her smile was forced and her grip was tight, nearly bruising.  
"I promised your father I wouldn't change your left-handedness, but this is unacceptable. But I'm sure you understand that, don't you, my dear Wakatoshi? You need to marry a beautiful young lady, someone who will love you unconditionally."_

_"B-But I-" Ushijima winced at the grip tightening, cowered at the sight of his angry mother._

_"No buts, my darling Wakatoshi. You like girls, understood?"_

_"I... I understand." His voice came out as a whisper, a hiccup following and he only noticed he was crying when he was suddenly sitting up, a tear being pushed away from his cheek._

_"Good boy."_

_Ushijima allowed his mother to run her fingers through his hair, the act was supposed to be calming but he was petrified, young mind unable to understand why she did that to him.  
His wrist ached, the pain dull._

_"Now now Wakatoshi, stop crying. These tears aren't good." She whispered and Ushijima tried his best to will them away, wiping them off his face by himself before evidently being let go.  
"Finish your food and help me in the kitchen after, okay?"_

_"Yes, mother."_

Ushijima gripped his arms tightly, breathing heavily as he stared at the wall across from him while the tears flowed.  
He didn't want to but they just came.

The next few minutes were filled with silent weeping, Ushijima reliving the moments he accidentally slipped up, which caused him lectures after lectures of how he wasn't supposed to, how he wasn't allowed.

_"Ushijima Wakatoshi! I've told you this many times before! You will marry a woman who will love you and you will love her! You cannot love another man, that will hurt our family's honor and pride. Forget this nonsense immediately!" Her voice was booming and Ushijima stared at the ground, shallow breaths shaky and terrified as he nodded frantically._

_"I'm sorry!"_

_"Don't be sorry. I'm just disappointed. But I won't have to be because you like girls, now don't you Wakatoshi?"_

_Ushijima bit his tongue, staying silent for a moment too long as he nearly jumped out of his skin when his mother hit the table, still looking at him with those eyes.  
The eyes of a predator, looking down on its prey.  
As if he were nothing to her, except for someone who was going to keep her lineage. Nothing else.  
"Isn't that right Wakatoshi?" Her voice was calm, and that's what terrified him more, the sound crawling under his skin._

_"Yes mother, that is correct." His own was trembling slightly, and he cringed inwardly by how unconvincing that must have sounded as he took a deep breath and repeated himself.  
"Yes mother, that is correct. I will keep our family name proud, I'm sorry for acting like a deviant." The words he had firmly calculated in his mind slipped past his lips, burning him in the process as he bowed down and then stood back up straight to look at her._

_She seemed satisfied enough, though her face didn't show much enthusiasm. "Good. Now wash up, I don't want to see you in this state." She waved him off right after._

_".. Yes mother."_

Ushijima could have laughed, could have shown any other expression on his face except for pure fear as he calmed down, moving to lay on the heated floor as he stared up at the ceiling.  
Facial expression.. the term nearly seemed foreign to Ushijima. He had been teaching himself ever since the first incident that he wasn't going to show more. He never did show much emotion in general, though his excitement got him into trouble, his tears and fear caused his mother to get angry. He didn't want that to happen anymore.

And so he practiced a monotone facial expression just as much as he did volleyball, being able to stare down at his opponents with cold eyes and not a single ounce of remorse in his face when the opposing team lost again and again.

Then Ushijima would go back home, listen to his mother talk about how he should slowly think about finding himself a wife. He wanted to object, say he was only fourteen and that he should be able to wait at least until high school, until now.  
But then she would bring up the thing he said so many years back and he would have to listen, have to comply with every word and she would figure him out, making him apologize until his face was so unbreakable that even she didn't notice anything anymore.  
He was fine with it, not caring considering most of his love went to volleyball anyway.

Ushijima was brought out of his thoughts, unable to calm down completely.  
He just couldn't stop his trembling though, hating one single fact.

If Ushijima hadn't met him at the beginning of his school year, he wouldn't have opened up these horrid memories he had locked out in the back of his mind.  
If he hadn't approached Ushijima with a bright smile, acting so friendly towards him, Ushijima would have been able to continue his facade easier.  
If Ushijima didn't find the other so drop-dead gorgeous, albeit a little weird and all, he would have been able to continue being fine with what was torn into his mind ever since his early childhood.

But it wasn't _his_ fault, now was it?  
Ushijima would be fine, he's been fine during the majority of grade school and junior high.  
Just because he's in high school now, doesn't mean that a simple boy will break what he had built up since when he was young.

It would be fine though. Ushijima will simply push him away because of his devotion to volleyball.  
No one ever stayed long enough once they saw his love for the sport anyway.  
Everyone left him.

Ushijima stood up, taking a deep breath.  
Only two and a half more years until he was out of Shiratorizawa and therefore away from Tendou Satori.

\--

"Hey, Ushijima-kun! Can I sit here?" Tendou asked though Ushijima couldn't answer because the other already sat down across from him on the lunch table, smiling widely.

".. Hello Tendou-san." He said although it was a bit quiet as he struggled to find his voice, facial expression monotone.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't wait for your answer... but since you're not saying I should go, I think I'm allowed to stay, right?" The redhead smiled, cocked his head to the side and Ushijima couldn't help the warm feeling washing over him.

_Pretty._

And then an ice-cold slap hit him across the face, setting his mind back.  
He likes girls, that's what his mother always told him.

"Waka- I mean Ushijima-kun, if you really wanted me to leave then you could have just said so, yknow?" This time around his voice was softer, almost awkward as he moved to get up.

"There is no need to leave, Tendou-san, you can stay here if that is what you desire." The words came involuntarily and he wanted to sigh out loud. He was supposed to keep away from this boy, this beautiful boy, and yet his stupid mind can't seem to understand.  
He didn't understand.

"Oh, Ushijima-kun! No need for the formalities, I'm fine with Tendou!" The redhead laughed, though it was more of a chortle as he lifted his hand, reaching over the table to touch the others arm.

Ushijima stared at him, taking in the sight of his loose black t-shirt, the way his red hair fell into his eyes and all over his face.  
The bowl cut suited him, in a way. It was a stark contrast to his wide eyes, the haircut seeming more.. cute.  
"I.. understand. I apologize, Tendou."

"No worries, it's fine! Jeez, you really are very formal, aren't you Wakatoshi-kun? Wait- Can I call you that?"

"Wakatoshi-kun is alright." Ushijima noticed the way Tendou's face was slowly turning the same shade as his hair.

"Okay good! Well, I hope you know that you're my friend now."

Friend? The only time he ever had a friend was in grade school, and then he got scolded. Ushijima nearly shivered but he seemed to be able to reel it all in, hiding behind his unchanging face and broad posture.

"Oh... Thank you for letting me know, I shall be aware of the fact from now on."

"You're so formal Wakatoshi-kun."  
The smile that followed was bright and blinding and Ushijima's heart skipped a beat before he tore it back down himself.

_You need to distance yourself from him immediately._

\--

No matter how much Ushijima tried, Tendou never gave up. Why?  
He had been strong, had been able to turn Tendou down as often as he could. He was even rude to Tendou sometimes.  
So why didn't he leave?  
He never left Ushijima's side throughout the first year and he still wasn't leaving, even though they were both in their second year now.

_"Wakatoshi-kun! Can I join you?"_

_"No, I have to practice my serves."_

_~_

_"Wakatoshi-kun! Let me block some of your spikes!"_

_"I would rather have a starter block my spikes."_

_~_

_"Wakatoshi-kun! Let me run with you!"_

_"You'll only be a nuisance but if you can keep up, then go ahead."  
And Ushijima made sure to run just a tad bit faster so that Tendou couldn't catch up._

_~_

_"Wakato-"_

_"Please do not bother me, I'm practicing at the moment."_

_~_

_"Hey! Can I join you?"_

_"I'm sorry but you can't."_

_"Oh? How so?"_

_"I just do not appreciate your presence at the moment."  
Ushijima watched as Tendou sluggishly walked away from his lunch table, the guilt hidden well behind stone set eyes._

Ushijima sighed, staring up at the bottom of the bed above him. He sat up in his bunk bed, looking around.  
He could be free here.  
He could allow himself to have Tendou, indulge himself in what his mother forbade him.

But then he would get used to it and he shouldn't. Not unless he wants to break down those walls he had built up for himself.  
He would have done everything for nothing if he let himself go now.  
Every lie, every wall, and every mask he had hidden himself behind in order to please his mother would have been for nothing.

The door opened suddenly, tearing Ushijima out of his thoughts as he turned his head to the intruder.  
Ah. Speak of the devil.

"Wakatoshi-kun! Sorry to just barge in, I was bored. Are you busy?" Tendou smiled at him, and Ushijima could see the other attempting to hide a bag behind his back.

"I.. I'm currently not busy, no. Is there something you need from me?" Ushijima stared, trying not to get lost in the other's bright smile and movements, knowing well how Tendou could change that in a heartbeat when on the volleyball court.

"Oh, right! Um... Yknow, since I'm finally a starter, I realized how much my hair was bugging me!" Tendou pointed at the bowl cut, lifting a few strands and letting them fall back on to his face messily.

"How so? I personally think you look nice with the haircut." Ushijima bit his tongue the moment the words slipped out, eyes widening in shock before hiding it swiftly.  
He messed up. He can't again, he can't, or else he'll lose against himself. He can't, not again, not anymore, and never again. He ca-

"Aw Wakatoshi-kun! That's probably one of the nicest things you've said to me!" And Tendou was laughing again, smile big and _dammit_ Ushijima wanted to walk up to him and hug him, kiss those smiley lips and apologize for everything he had ever done to Tendou but he couldn't.  
He couldn't.

"And to answer your question, the hair just gets in my eyes and sticks on my face when jumping and stuff so.." Tendou pulled the bag to his front, grinning widely, "... I thought you could help me style it differently?"

"Oh... I suppose I could help with that."

"Great!" Tendou grinned and walked into the room fully, shutting the door behind him before sitting down on Ushijima's desk chair with a gentle hum. "I thought maybe making my hair spikier would look cool, yknow?"

"Spiky... I'm afraid I do not understand." Ushijima mumbled, though his voice was still firm as he watched the other twirl around in his chair.

"Like.. like this!" Tendou then exclaimed after dropping the bag on to Ushijima's desk, his hands on the sides of his face as he pushed his hair upwards. "Spiky! See?"

".. I see."

"Okay good. So I brought hair gel, like lots of it so I can try things out, yknow?" Tendou continued, talking to himself mostly about the different styles while Ushijima watched.  
He watched the way Tendou furrowed his eyebrows in thoughts, watched how his eyes lit up when a new idea came, watched how he scrunched up his nose when he thought of the hairstyle before grinning when he thought it would look good.  
Ushijima observed the little curve of Tendou's lips, the way his eyes were always just that much wider.

He wanted... He wanted him.

"-hmm Wakatoshi-kun? Doesn't that sound good? I mean, I might look like Super Saiyan but that's pretty cool!"

He wanted Tendou. He wanted to hold him, wanted to express himself to his mother.  
But he couldn't.  
Ushijima was petrified, unable to do anything as he was whipped into the shape his mother had created for him, forced into the form that wasn't himself.

_"You're going to be a good husband to your wife, Wakatoshi."_

_"Make sure you marry a beautiful woman to make our family name proud, Wakatoshi."_

_"Have you found a lady that's caught your eye yet, Wakatoshi?"_

_"Do you have someone in mind already, Wakatoshi?"_

And Ushijima wanted to stand up straight, nod proudly and say that it was a boy.

But he couldn't.

"Wakatoshi!"

Ushijima couldn't help the flinch that overcame him, looking at Tendou who stared back surprised.  
His eyes only clouded over in well-hidden fear, mind recreating that sound to match the ways his mother used to yell at him.

"Oh.. sorry. Was that a bit loud?" Tendou could only smile sheepishly and Ushijima immediately forgave him, tense position relaxing slightly in the presence of the redhead.

"It's quite alright. I apologize, I must have spaced out instead of listening. But I am sure that you would look good as the 'Super Saiyan' you mentioned." Ushijima responded, eyes softening at the way Tendou lit up, head nodding quickly and bangs bouncing back and forth.

Ushijima almost reached out to lightly push back the slightly longer strands away from Tendou's face, almost unable to stop himself as Tendou looked at him, confused as to why he had a hand up, held towards him.

"Let's go to the bathroom." Ushijima quickly directed his hand to the small bathroom they had in the dorm room, watching Tendou bounce around happily with a fond look in his eyes before looking away.  
He can't.

And yet he couldn't stop himself from softening up around Tendou, allowing a small smile to graze his face as Tendou's hands got messy with hair gel while pushing his hair up with a hum, even chuckling as he helped the other out with the back of his head.  
He couldn't help but allow himself this one moment of fun.

"So Wakatoshi-kun? Don't you think this looks good?" Tendou grinned widely at the reflection of himself and Ushijima appreciated the way the other seemed so much more confident, the aura around him changing so drastically it nearly intimidated him.

"Yes. You look good."

Ushijima didn't have the time to overthink that as he was suddenly engulfed in a hug, nose filled with the scent of hair gel, ears hearing the soft sound of sniffling, touch overwhelmed by the other hugging him and he almost felt like crying if it hadn't been Tendou who had already begun tearing up himself.

"That's the nicest thing you've actually said to me, ever! And it means a lot, especially from you Wakatoshi-kun. I never did like the way I was and you never seemed to like me but you're being so nice right now so... Thank you."

Ushijima stood there shell-shocked, immediate guilt hitting him like the weight of ten trains at once.  
Had he been the cause of Tendou's declining self-esteem? His self-doubt?  
Had he caused the other pain, just to save himself?

"I apologize, Tendou. I never meant to make it seem as though I disliked you. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel unwanted."

And as they embraced in the bathroom of Ushijima's dorm room behind locked doors, hidden from any lurking eyes, Ushijima could feel the first wall he built up tearing down.

\--

_"Wakatoshi! Do you have your eyes set on a beautiful girl yet?"_

Ushijima winced at that, sitting in his bed as he bit at his nails, forcing his breath to calm down so his mother wouldn't notice his discomfort.

_"Well?"_ Her voice was cold, calm, and dangerous like a poisonous arrow. Injecting it into his bloodstream and slowly killing him from the inside out as it rotted and burned his blood vessels.

".. No, mother."

He got ready for the berating over the phone, his mother raising her voice at him and telling him things no parent should ever tell their child.

_"What do you mean 'no' huh?! How many more years will I have to wait until you find a woman to love? How many more times do I have to call and ask, just for you to say no?! Wakatoshi, you're such a disappointment. Volleyball isn't going to make me proud unless you find a wife to continue our family name! Do you really think that just because my family name appears on the TV a few times, that it'll be remembered by people? That is if you even make it. Will you even be a national volleyball player Wakatoshi? Will you ever be that successful or will you fail again and again and disappoint me once more?!"_

Ushijima looked at his phone, eyes wide with shock as his bottom lip trembled. Though he was able to refrain from the tears, knowing that she wasn't nearly done.

_"So God help me, if you don't find yourself a wife by the end of your education, I will be incredibly disappointed."_

And he hoped it was done, that it was finally over but of course it wasn't.  
He felt a shiver run down his back.

Of course, she wasn't done.

_"Unless you're still stuck in that idiotic mindset of loving a man? Oh Wakatoshi, if you are... I will come to your dorm room and you will listen to what I have to say. You are a man. You will marry a woman. You are not allowed to marry a man, that is a disgrace to my family name. You hear me Wakatoshi?! If you even dare to ruin my family name because of your foolish thinking, I will force you to change your damn name back to your disappointing father's name. Your father was weak, that's why he left you, Wakatoshi. I was the one who took care of you while you grew up. I gave you food and a roof to live under when I could have easily kicked you out. So I think you owe me this much, don't you agree my dear Wakatoshi?"_

"Y-Yes mother.."

_"What was that?! Louder Wakatoshi, I can't hear you!"_

"Yes, mother!"

_"Good. Now make your mother proud and do not fail school."_

The phone slipped out of Ushijima's hands the moment the conversation ended, shoulders trembling as he held his hands to his face.  
The sobs were silent aside from the quiet sniffling and Ushijima was glad that his roommate Reon wasn't in the room with him, that all the first and second years were all currently down the hall in Semi and Tendou's room, watching a movie.

He took a while to calm down, shaking breath still uneven and eyes still slightly puffy. His nose was still a little runny and red but he felt fine, no one would notice in the dimly lit room anyway.  
Taking yet another deep breath, he put his phone back in his pocket after checking the time, washing his face with cold water one more time before he opened the door to the hallway, eyes widening as he saw Tendou there who stared back.

Ushijima could feel his heart stopping as the grip on the door handle tightened drastically.  
"How much did you hear?"

"Wakato-"

"No. How much did you hear?!" His voice was raising even if he didn't mean for it to happen as panic set in, not wanting anyone to know of the secret he had hidden so well.

"Wa-"

"I asked you a question so answer!" His voice nearly cracked and his hands had a mind of their own as they suddenly grabbed the front of Tendou's shirt, pushing him back against the hallway wall harshly.  
His breath was heavy, the thoughts thrumming in his ears and there was a foul taste resting on his tongue as he stared at Tendou with eyes wide open, hands shaking as he nearly slammed the other into the wall again and again.

"Tell me!"

"Tell me how much you heard!" His voice was far louder than the normal speaking volume, thoughts of what might happen vivid in his mind as he breathed heavily, erratically.  
"Why aren't you saying anything?! Speak!"

"W-Wakatoshi.. calm down, please. I p-promise I didn't hear anything." Tendou's voice was meek in comparison to the booming voice of the olive haired boy, flinching as Ushijima slammed a fist into the wall in frustration.  
"Liar! What did you hear?!"

Tendou was shaking like a leaf as he watched the person he called his best friend slowly unravel in front of him. The commotion had caused other people on the floor to look at what had been happening, most of them too scared to interfere when they know that Ushijima was strong, stronger than nearly all of them.

Only Oohira and Yamagata were brave enough to rush towards Ushijima, both holding on to the other's arms tightly as he thrashed and made to get close to Tendou again.  
Semi had walked over to comfort the redhead that was still shaking against the wall.

"How much did you hear?! You aren't allowed to listen in to-" Ushijima got cut off by the others forcefully pinning him against the wall opposite of Tendou, his breath knocked out of him and head slammed against it though his stare was focused on the redhead solely, burning and intense.

Tendou looked around, seeing people watching and catching a glimpse of Shirabu and Kawanishi poking their heads out of his room before his focus went back to Ushijima, who was still struggling as his breaths heaved and Tendou noticed how much paler he had gotten. Though he couldn't say anything in his state, only managing to gasp air into his lungs while hugging Semi close.

"You aren't allowed to hear! You can't, you can't.." And then Ushijima was weak, slumping against the wall as his eyes rolled back, nearly falling to the ground like dead weight if Oohira and Yamagata weren't there to hold him up.

"He- He's crazy!" Were the first words Semi spilled into the suddenly silent hallway, Tendou shushing him with a weak smack to the chest before pointing towards the spectators.

Semi understood immediately.  
"What are you looking at?! Fuck off, won't you?" The others were gone into their rooms immediately and while Oohira and Yamagata dragged the unconscious Ushijima to the nurse, Semi brought Tendou to their room where Shirabu and Kawanishi still sat, movie paused.

"Can.. can you guys please go to Yamagata-kun's room? Just knock, Jin should be in there." Tendou said, voice quiet but it worked, the first years leaving quickly.

"What the fuck is wrong with that Ushijima? I can't believe him! And he's supposed to be our next captain, he's out of his fucking mind! Shit, Tendou are you okay? Did he hurt you? I swear if he di-"

"Semi.. stop." Tendou mumbled but it failed to shut the other up.

".. After all that shit, you're still defending him? Tendou, come on. You can't be serious! He's insane! How was he ever your best friend?!"

"Eita!" Tendou raised his voice slightly and shot the other a look that silenced him immediately.

"What?"

"Please stop. I know he didn't mean it." Tendou glanced away when his ash blond-haired friend looked at him in disbelief.

"Y-You're defen-"

"I'm not."

"Then why?" Semi didn't understand why Tendou was still like this, didn't know what Tendou had seen.

"I saw the fear in his eyes."

And the silence that washed over them was unsettling as Semi made sure Tendou wasn't hurt.

\--

Ushijima awoke with a gasp, sitting up as he immediately moved to grab at his arms, eyes widening when he was stopped. He looked around, seeing Yamagata and Oohira sitting by him and his eyes widened before he began forcing his panic under a thick blanket of lies and well-built walls.

"I-"

"Shut up Ushijima."

Ushijima stayed silent after that, wanting to move his arms to cross in front of him but they weren't letting him.

"What was that? What kind of stunt did you try to pull there? Don't you know how dangerous that is? You could risk getting kicked out of the volleyball club, or worse, out of the school!" Ushijima's eyes widened minisculely but he managed to get that under control as well as the shaking that would be happening with the way they were holding on to his wrists. Especially Oohira holding his left wrist with an iron grip while he lectured him.

"I... I apologize-"

"It's not us you have to apologize to!" Yamagata interrupted him, the grip only tightening further as Ushijima's breathing picked up slightly, eyes clouding over in overwhelming fear but he could hide it.  
He could always hide it.

"You have to apologize to Tendou! He's shaken up and doesn't know what to do with himself! He thinks this is his fault but it's not! It's yours!" Yamagata continued and Ushijima felt like every single word was as though someone added salt to the stab wounds his mother's words had already provided.  
He was restricted, unable to move as he glanced between the two over and over again, unable to think clearly through the thoughts flooding his mind.

"I.. I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry." His voice was barely above a whisper and he felt the grips on both wrists loosening slightly.

The silence afterward was unbearable, Ushijima unable to bring himself to speak as he stared at the wall beside his bed and waited until the nurse deemed him fine to return to his dorm.

And he was still silent as the three walked back to the dormitories, Yamagata walking up ahead and leaving Ushijima and Oohira at their door.  
Ushijima didn't speak a single word, instead deciding to lay in bed until he heard the door shut, telling him that Oohira probably left again.

He began trembling again, tears slowly soaking into his pillow as he held his hands over his face, covering his eyes and mouth to silence himself further even though he was as quiet as could be.

Ushijima really should have just distanced himself immediately.

\--

The halls of the school hushed the moment they noticed Ushijima walking down them, quiet whispers barely heard while the boy ignored them.

_"I heard he beat his teammates up."_

_"Really? I heard he nearly killed the red-headed middle blocker."_

_"Yeah. And apparently, it's because he was doing some illegal exchanges over the phone and the middle blocker heard him."_

_"No way!"_

_"Yeah, I know!"_

Ushijima tried not to focus on the words, though they still infiltrated his mind.  
But he had always been good at keeping his feelings shut behind closed doors.

At least he thought he had because the whole ordeal with Tendou seemed to contradict his statements.

_"Isn't that the guy who caused a huge commotion in the boys' dormitory?"_

_"That's Ushijima!"_

_"Oh- you're right! He's supposed to be the shining star of Shiratorizawa, what happened?"_

And so the whispers continued.

"Wakatoshi-kun!" Though they immediately ceased the moment his voice came, loud and happy and even Ushijima was surprised as he turned around, watching his best friend run up to him as though nothing had happened.

"Tendou..?"

"Come on, you should've waited for me! We always walk to class together, Wakatoshi-kun!" And the redhead smiled, linking his arms with the other before dragging him towards their classroom.

"Tendou, I-" 

"Shut it, really. We're going to talk about it in my room, after practice. And don't you dare lie to me about it." Tendou whispered through smiling teeth, setting his bag on his desk before seating himself.

Ushijima gulped.  
Was he ready to admit what he had been hiding?  
No. He wasn't. He couldn't, he can't say what's been on his mind, his mother would find out and then she would be mad at him and he would never make her proud again and-

The bell rang loudly, the teacher began speaking.

Ushijima focused on the words as though nothing had happened at all.

\--

"So?"

Ushijima stayed silent as he kept his eyes on the floor of Tendou's room.

"Wakatoshi-kun, I need you to answer me. What happened?"

"I... I can't."  
Ushijima looked up at Tendou with wide eyes as he was suddenly grabbed by the collar of his shirt, being forced to look up at the other.

"What do you mean, you can't? Wakatoshi, you literally slammed me into the wall and yelled in my face. You accused me of hearing something even though I promise you I heard nothing. Nothing at all. So why did you do it? I thought best friends told each other everything? Huh?" Tendou's grin was forced and Ushijima couldn't help the guilt washing over him.  
But he still looked away, avoiding eye contact and trying to keep his mouth sealed shut.

Ushijima felt himself relaxing as Tendou pulled away, tensing up only slightly at the exasperated sigh he got in return.  
It reminded him too much of his mother, who sighed just like that after another one of their sessions together where she would tear into his mind, eyes breaking his skin and destroying everything he had built up for himself.

"Wakatoshi-kun.. please. I'm not mad, really. But I don't want this secret to break apart our friendship. I don't want you to freak out as you did. You passed out from the sheer fear!" Tendou said, reaching out to lightly touch Ushijima's wrist, only to look at the other questionably and with concern as he recoiled back, right hand wrapping around his left wrist almost protectively, as though it hurt.

"Wakatoshi-kun..?"

"I... I apologize Tendou. But I cannot tell you." Ushijima's eyes were trained to the ground, unable to look up at the other because he knew that if he did, his mind would play games with him again. He would suddenly be a young child again, standing in front of his mother, who would yell and scream until he was shaking in fear with tears running down his face like waterfalls.  
And then she'd apologize, say she only did this because she loved him. She would take him in her arms and he wouldn't be able to do anything but embrace her back, weakened state unable to think about how she had just treated him because damn it, the hug felt wonderful, he felt comforted.  
But then it'd start again.

"Wakatoshi!" Ushijima snapped out of his memories to Tendou wiping the tears off his face, eyes widening as he pushed the other away quickly, sleeves soaking up the tears before the redhead could continue.

"I.."

"Whatever you're going through right now, it's gonna be okay. Please, you can talk to me if you ever want to. I'll always be here for you, okay Wakatoshi-kun? I'm your best friend. You know I'll be here." Tendou smiled, though it was a bit sad and seemingly accepting that the olive haired simply didn't want to talk about it.

And Ushijima had to bite back what he wanted to say...

_I don't want you as my best friend. I want you as my boyfriend._

_You're my soulmate Satori. I believe that strongly._

.. because if he did, the walls he had built up would break again.  
The first and second were torn down by Tendou merely being his friend.

If there was anything more, it would be sure to destroy the walls and Ushijima with it.

\--

_"I have found a potential wife for you, Wakatoshi."_ Were the first words that were spoken, Ushijima nearly allowing the phone to fall to the floor of his dorm room.

".. What..?"

_"You heard me. Do not make me repeat myself."_

Ushijima pulled the phone away from his face, hands trembling as he shook his head.  
"You.. this must be a misunderstanding, you couldn't have.."

_"Are you serious, Wakatoshi? Are you seriously being ungrateful at the moment that I took time out of my life to help find you a wife?!"_ Ushijima flinched slightly when her voice began to raise itself, ready for the same old conversation that would forever be engraved in his mind.  
He could still stop the waterfall of words yet to come, he just had to say the words.

"I apologize. It wasn't my intention to appear ungrateful. Thank you, mother." The well-articulated sentence passed his lips like a well-oiled machine.  
Because what else was he except for just that?  
A machine being controlled.  
Player two of his life.

What else could he be?

_"-katoshi, pay attention! Repeat to me what I just said, right now."_

Ushijima flinched again, almost cursing under his breath for being so weak as he repeated the words his mother just spoke.

_"Good son. Now, I suppose you can meet up with her on Thursday?"_

"Excuse me? No, I cannot.. Not this Thur-"  
Ushijima's eyes widened as he cut himself off, clasping a hand over his mouth before pulling his phone away from his ear.

He could hear the angry yelling even then, and the same thing struck out like always.

_"Wakatoshi, you ungrateful child! I never raised you to be a brat!"_

_Wakatoshi!_

_Wakatoshi!_

_**Wakatoshi!** _

Ushijima sat up in his bed with one swift motion, hand clutching his shirt and the other vigorously wiping away the tears that had been streaming down his face.  
He couldn't help the ever so quiet whimper escaping his lips.

An immediate sickness washed over him, to the point that he had to scramble to the bathroom, head barely going over the toilet bowl before his face paled and he began to retch, the sound quiet and yet oh so loud in the silent dorm room.

He just hoped-

"Ushijima-kun? Are you okay?" Oohira stood by the door, approaching him slowly.

Dammit.

Ushijima couldn't answer just yet, head pounding and the room spinning as he gripped the sides of the toilet with such force, his knuckles were turning white.

It took what felt like an hour until Ushijima felt strong enough in his bones to stand up and clean up the minor mess before reassuring his roommate that he was fine.  
Perhaps it was just the food he had eaten the night prior because that's the only reasonable explanation there could have been.

The only reasonable explanation that Ushijima was willing to give, regardless of how false the statement was.

"So?" Oohira said, voice still gentle as he sat down with Ushijima at their desks, looking at him even if his eyes were tired and eyelids were droopy.

"I apologize for causing you any concern, Reon. I would assume it was the food I ate yesterday, perhaps it was bad." Ushijima said, voice convincing and certain as he returned the other's gaze.

Thankfully, the other seemed to believe it in his sleepy daze. Ushijima couldn't have been more relieved.

"Oh.. yeah, that makes sense. You're doing better now, right? We have a practice match later today so you need to be in peak condition!" Reon said, playful, and exhausted, a lilt in his voice as he patted his friend's shoulder. 

Ushijima only nodded, watching as the other moved back to the top bunk to get some more sleep.

The thought of going to sleep and falling back into that dream made him break out in cold sweat, shaking his head as he grabbed a sweater and his slippers before leaving the dorm room silently.

He jogged all the way down to the first floor, stopping by the vending machine and pausing, allowing himself to breathe and relax for just a moment.

A single moment where he didn't have to keep an eye out on any of his teammates, any younger students who watch him intently.

One moment where he didn't have to worry...

Ushijima shivered again, reaching into the sweater pocket and grabbing his wallet that he had so carelessly left in there before grabbing himself a drink.

He sat on the floor in front of the vendor, soft light illuminating the sight before him, his own build casting a shadow on the floor.  
He allowed his eyes to shut.

Eventually, when Ushijima could see the break of dawn from outside the front doors, deciding then to return to his dorm room as though nothing had happened.

As though nothing had ever happened at all.

\--

"I wanna be just like you!" 

The first time Ushijima heard that he nearly dropped the ball, head turning to look at the first year who stared at him with such determination.  
And he wanted to scream.

_You don't ever want to be like me.  
You would hate being like me.  
You would regret being like me._

_Why would you want to be like me?_

_It's a bad decision._

Though before the words slipped out, Tendou was there to wrap an arm around Goshiki, laughing.  
"Tsutomu, that's setting the bar too low!" 

"You're right! Then I'll be better than you, Ushijima-san!" 

So then Ushijima was relieved, missing the way Tendou eyed him as his shoulders sagged slightly.  
"Good luck." He told his kouhai.

For he knew that he himself was the one that needed it most. Because how would he be able to keep himself restrained when Tendou came by every night, wanting to watch anime with him? How would be able to keep his mouth shut, emotions locked away if Tendou was there by his side at all times?

He wanted to laugh at himself.  
He was pathetic, still being so scared of his mother and wanting to meet all her expectations even if he knew he couldn't do the one thing she wanted most.  
He hated how he cowered away whenever she called him, hated how he could only agree to whatever she says because he knew he'd be in trouble if he didn't.

He couldn't stand up for himself.  
Every time, he'd apologize, wish and beg that she'd just stop one day and love him the way she used to.

Ushijima paused, nearly dropping the ball he was holding.

Did she ever love him?

Ushijima shook his head. Now wasn't the time to think about that.  
He had a practice match to focus on.

And so he focused on hitting the sets instead of the loud thrumming in his ears, the questions being whispered over and over again like a mantra. He ignored the way a particular middle blocker seemed to shine and sparkle, so beautiful as he jumped and stopped every spike that came in the way of their victory.

Though he couldn't help but look.

In fact, he couldn't tear his eyes off of him.  
He couldn't stop staring, not after how long he has been repressing and pushing away, after how much he had to lie and hide, after how much he was forced into a corner.  
Ushijima couldn't do this anymore, he can't. He can't continue to look at Tendou like this.  
He didn't want to anymore.

But he didn't have a choice in that.

A sharp whistle brought Ushijima back, vision dazy and staring up at the ceiling.

"Wakatoshi-kun! Someone, get water! I'm bringing him to the nurse." He could hear the faint whispering.

Oh.

Though Ushijima couldn't react, passed out cold from sheer exhaustion and the pain that reverberated inside of his head.  
He could faintly feel a trickle of blood.

\--

When he woke up, he wasn't at the nurse.  
Ushijima looked around, appearing to be in a dorm room.  
His head felt fine, he concluded.

Ushijima turned his attention to the door that slammed open, surprised that it didn't fly off the hinges as he watched a certain redhead jump through the door, as energetic as ever.

His eyes widened.  
Tendou's hair was down, framing his face in bright red hair that lit up like a campfire in the golden sunlight pouring through the window.  
An ethereal beauty.

And when the redhead opened his mouth?  
Ushijima swooned.

"Wakatoshi-kun! You're awake? Oh, finally! Took ya long enough, you doof."

How was he acting as though nothing had happened? Didn't Ushijima pass out?

But as Ushijima went to speak about it, he paused.  
Felt the way the other's body pressed against him suddenly.  
Felt a gentle kiss pressed to his cheek.  
Felt arms wrap around his torso and legs around his waist.

His hands immediately rested on Tendou's hips as though it were the most natural thing ever.

"You were super tired yesterday, so we all decided to let you sleep when you said to push afternoon practice back a bit. It's getting late now though so maybe we should cancel?"

Before he could even think twice, his mouth opened to answer for him.  
"Yes."

And Ushijima didn't feel guilty in the slightest as he watched Tendou smile and chuckle.  
Watched as the redhead proceeded to stretch out over the bed, laying his head on Ushijima's thigh and looking up at him with a big smile.  
Watched as Tendou's hands reached up, attempting to tickle his neck before reaching up higher, arms wrapped around his neck and tugging him down.  
Though he couldn't watch anymore as his eyes fluttered shut, smiling slightly at the feeling of Tendou kissing his cheek again.

The questions never occurred to him.  
Why was Tendou suddenly acting this way towards him?  
What happened between the time he had passed out?  
How come the time-line between that and what Tendou had just told him wasn't adding up?

And how was it that he wasn't overcome by fear?

How was he not scared of the consequences that were to occur if they were ever caught in this position?

"Wakatoshi."

The corners of his lips twitched upwards slightly, eyes still half-closed and still in a dreamy state as he turned his head to Tendou's voice. Yes, this was good, this was perfect. He didn't want the time to continue, never wanted to leave this warm space. This haven.  
"Hm?"

He didn't notice the sudden serious tone in Tendou's voice, too wrapped up in his own world, the warm body he's been yearning for since his first year here at Shiratorizawa pressed against his own, the way he could still feel the feather-light kisses against his cheek.

"Are you okay?"

Ushijima's eyes snapped open at that before he was engulfed by a light that was far too bright, searing pain on the side of his head and colorful spots in his vision.

Where was the safety he had been feeling?

It was torn off of him, like a warm comforting blanket and it left him cold, hands trembling.

Ushijima tried sitting up, though he was carefully guided back down against the hard bed that belonged to the nurse.  
What was happening, where was Tendou?

He let a sound escape his mouth, felt someone grab his head and then another bright light flashing into one of his eyes.  
As his focus slowly came back, people were surrounded around him, looming over him like giants while he lay still in bed. It reminded him too much of how his mother used to stare down at him, words of disgust and anger being driven further and further into his head.  
He couldn't stop the way his breath picked up, his hands gripping the sheet even as people tried to stop him.

He needed something comforting, someone he could trust-

"Tendou..."

He watched with glazed over eyes how Tendou squatted down beside the bed, trying to talk to Ushijima after he had uttered his name, but Ushijima couldn't speak, the words burned into his mind ramping up into screams that were silent for everyone but him.

He felt like screaming too.

But alas, he couldn't.  
Ushijima felt as though he was suffocating.

Suddenly he found himself walking back to his dorm room. He couldn't fully remember what had happened from then until now.

He looked to his left.  
Tendou was supporting his every step.

Ushijima glanced to his right.  
And Semi was too.

They weren't angry with him, even after everything that had happened. They were always by his side, even with the outburst he had back in their second year.  
Instead, they seemed worried, keeping their eyes on Ushijima's step to make sure he didn't stumble, holding him up.

For a moment, Ushijima felt peace.

Until it was taken away from him again by something Semi said.

"Hey uh... the school called your mom. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, just that you got hurt and will probably not take part in practice for a little while. Oh, and she said that you should call her as soon as possible. Sounded kinda urgent."

Ushijima's eyes widened and he stumbled, legs suddenly failing to support him as he heard a small shout, then someone catching him.

"Wakatoshi-kun, are you okay?"

Tendou looked at him, and if Ushijima thought that Semi looked worried then Tendou was a mess.  
His hair was tousled, almost as though he had been running his hands through it over and over again, his eyes held fear for Ushijima's well-being-

Ushijima's eyes widened slightly. Tendou's eyes held fear.

And suddenly he was thrown back into the hazy memory of him yelling at Tendou, nearly throwing him against the wall and interrogating him to the point where the other was shaking, eyes holding such a fear of him.

He felt a pang of guilt hitting him like a truck.

His mouth opened for an apology to come out, but Tendou shushed him, hugging him close instead. "Please be okay Wakatoshi-kun. I'm worried about you."

Ushijima could only look at him appreciatively, hoping that the guilt and fear in his own eyes were masked well. He didn't want to call his mother. The urgency would only turn into anger. The anger that would fuel her screaming, her demand that he make her proud, that he make their- no, _her_ family name proud and famous. That he can continue her legacy by marrying a beautiful girl and giving her grandchildren.  
Never did she think about his own wishes, about what he may have wanted.

Because he didn't want to marry a beautiful girl, small and petit as his mother said, with long luscious hair and clear skin. She should be obedient and follow everything Ushijima says.  
He wanted to be with a certain redhead who spiked his hair upwards, the determination and glee so, so strong in his eyes and the enthusiasm glowing off of him with the energy he held in his body. He wanted to be with a certain redhead who held freckles on his face that disappeared in the winter, pale skin complexion making him almost shine when in the sun, his red hair flaming up in the sunset. A certain redhead who taped his fingers together and bruised easily but showed them proudly, exclaiming that they were battle scars and creating fun stories to tell with them. The certain redhead who came late to class with huge, purplish eyebags because he got hooked on anime or manga again, the certain redhead who left a trail of crumbs behind him because he thinks his hygiene isn't as important as others say. The certain redhead who, albeit having such a small appetite could swallow down an entire container of chocolate ice cream as if it were no big deal, then make fun of everyone who looked at him weirdly. The certain redhead whose laugh was so boisterous and loud and happy. The certain redhead who hyped up the entire team with his loud voice, his eyes gleaming brightly, the certain redhead who could focus so quickly when on the court, score points just like he did.

Before he knew it, the two left him by his door, wishing him a quick recovery and another reminder to call his mother from Semi before they walked back down the hall to leave the dormitory. The practice match was canceled anyway but they still had to clean up.

Ushijima's hands began trembling, his wrist was aching and his legs felt wobbly as he sat down on his bed, taking his phone off the charger and staring at it with eyes that had slowly begun to show the emotions he never was brave enough to show anyone else but himself.

Taking a deep breath he turned his phone on, grimacing at the notifications of his mother. Fifteen missed calls and he didn't even want to think about the ninety-nine plus messages that could only be angry.

His hands couldn't stop shaking as he pressed on her number, hearing the ringing as he pressed the phone against his ear.  
The second ring already...

Third.

His breath hitched in fear as he heard the ringing stop.

_"Wakatoshi..."_ Her voice drawled, and Ushijima flinched back, already hearing the repressed anger just waiting to explode out of her, the calm demeanor stripping from her voice to unleash her screams, the words pouring out of her burnt into Ushijima's mind and never letting him go.

But his body was frozen in place, unable to move as he heard her breathing slowly begin to tremble, could feel the waves of anger seeping in through the phone.  
Was she going to start screaming? Was she going to tell him how he's a terrible son?

A sharp scoff made Ushijima tense up, throat clogged.  
_"You really are a disappointment, aren't you Wakatoshi?"_ Her voice was steady and calm, dangerously calm. Ushijima didn't know whether to respond or not, his own breathing shaky. He knew. He knew that already. He could never make her proud because he was in love with a certain redhead, a _man_.

_**"Answer me!"** _

Ushijima flinched back again, the booming voice scaring him to no end as he nodded vigorously, only to realize that she wouldn't be able to see him.  
"Y-Yes mother..."

_"Louder, Wakatoshi. You are a man after all. Don't be so stupid."_

"Yes, mother."

_"Yes what?"_

Ushijima paused at that, mouth unable to move. He knew it already, why couldn't he say it? It's what his mother wants. She wants him to admit he's a disappointment. Maybe then she'll be proud of him. Maybe then she'll love him more. She would only insult him further if he didn't. But what if she didn't want that? What was she thinking right now? What did she want? How would he be able to fulfill i-

The yell of his name over the phone made Ushijima flinch back, his hands shaking again.  
Ah fuck.  
He missed his chance to make it all better because now she's screaming and it's making Ushijima want to curl into himself and cry and beg for forgiveness. He just wants her to hold him and tell him that he's made her proud. That's all he ever wanted, so why was he getting this in return?

_"-and all you are is a disappointment to my family name. You can't even do volleyball right and that's the only thing you're good at. You get passing grades but you've told me you wanted to become a professional volleyball player. But how is that possible if you pass out during a practice match? You're such an idiot, Wakatoshi. It would've been fine if you got hit because you were thinking about a pretty girl but you weren't doing that, now were you? Because you can't find any pretty girl to pursue. Is it because you still believe that loving a man is okay? Oh, Wakatoshi..."_

Another deep breath, another scoff. Ushijima felt like crying, his throat constricting and making it hard to breathe, his fingers trembling and his legs bouncing quickly. He held the phone away from his ear, not being able to handle it. His ear hurt, it was ringing already from the barrage of words spewing out of his mother's mouth.

_"-but you're honestly nothing like I expected you to be. Maybe I set my expectations too high for you, after all, Takashi wasn't the man I hoped he was or would be either. But you'll change that, won't you Wakatoshi? You'll make your mother proud, marry a beautiful girl, and forget about ever liking boys. Then again, you never liked boys, because you are a boy and you cannot love another boy."_

Ushijima already felt his tears rolling down his face, felt the way his chest squeezed in pain.  
He didn't want to.

He couldn't, not anymore.

And before he knew it, his mouth opened and the words slipped out, the filter suddenly broken.  
"No. I do not love girls, I've never felt an attraction towards them. Never. A-"

Ushijima's eyes widened, he slapped his hand over his mouth.  
A shocked silence.

Ushijima's face dropped as the words were spoken, his voice sounded hurt, appalled as he heard what his mother said.  
"What?"

"You heard me. Since you don't care about me, or my reputation and my family name then you may just as well go kill yourself." And Ushijima would have brushed it off, hadn't it been so cold. The words came as though she meant every single one of them.

He felt like laughing, screaming, and crying.  
So he really was just someone to carry out the lineage, she truly must have never loved him.

He breathed deeply, cleared his mind for what more was to come.  
The shaking in his body couldn't be helped.

The screaming over the phone was just a blur in his mind.  
He messed up, badly.

Because if you want to stand up against someone who will never think about your needs before their own and held so much power over you, the only thing you'd get out of it is a loss.

\--

Time suddenly seemed to skip forward, and Ushijima found himself at his graduation.  
His face held no emotion.

It scared his former teammates, it seemed.

That day, when Ushijima had collapsed and then spent the rest of his day in his dorm room seemed to have changed something.  
He was quieter, even sterner than before and Tendou didn't like it.

Tendou missed the time that Ushijima spoke his mind such as when he bluntly told the person what he thought. Because now, he barely said anything. Whenever Tendou came over to his best friend's dorm room to read Shonen Jump together, Ushijima was silent.

And as they read it? Tendou didn't feel like laughing anymore.  
Ushijima didn't ask silly questions anymore, only stared blankly at the page, nodded when Tendou asked him if he could flip the page.

But whenever Tendou asked, it was always the same answer.

"I do not know what you mean, Tendou. I have always been like this."

And Tendou wanted to grab him by his shirt and yell that no, his best friend was never so bland, never so unresponsive, and never so... emotionless.  
Tendou would have never approached Ushijima that time in their first year if Ushijima had always been like that.  
He would've never fallen for the other if he had always acted like this.

But Ushijima only continued to dismiss him, saying the same thing in that monotone voice of his and it frustrated Tendou to no end. It _scared_ him.

Ushijima knew that this had to have been working. He felt the guilt hit him like ten thousand bricks at once whenever he saw Tendou visibly deflate before his very eyes, felt the need to comfort the other whenever the disappointment leaked through his red eyes. The disappointment of losing his best friend to something he wasn't even aware of.

Tendou didn't lose him, Ushijima never left.

But how was he supposed to say that when he felt eyes wherever he went, felt the pressure weighing on his shoulders and the sadness in his heart as he went to an omiai.  
This was how his life was always supposed to be.

That stayed a secret, and now he was standing under a beautiful cherry blossom tree with Tendou, the graduation certificate in their hands as they stared at each other.

One last goodbye before Ushijima would be captured by his mother's cage forever.

As he stared at the redhead before him, a silence that could only be uncomfortable filling the air, he admired him one last time. Admired the small smile, the little shine in his eyes. Took one last breath of the scent of hair gel, let his eyes look at the beauty before him.

And then they were separated, Ushijima feeling the hug of lanky arms and a face pressed against his neck, wet with tears.  
He walked back, greeted his mother as they left together.

He greeted the girl waiting at his doorstep with a nod and a kiss to the forehead that felt so devoid of love.  
They were to be together because that was his fate, handled by the threatening hands of his mother.

\--

His fate was sealed with the words spoken.

His mouth was filling with bile as he said "I do."

He hoped this could have been some bad dream, but it wasn't. He saw the man who had his heart captured since day one staring up at him with a smile on his face, his own spouse sitting beside him.

Ushijima never had a chance in the first place. It was his own fault for allowing himself to think that.

But sometimes, just sometimes when he's alone at night, the tears suffocating him, he wondered what they could have been if his fear hadn't been so paralyzing.


End file.
